The "Merkans" Point of View

.

10 Naughtiest Vegetables on Earth

Written by Julian London

rude_carrot_new_mark2

10. Wee Weenie Carrot. Image: Lucie Smith

We love organic fruits and veggies here at Organic Authority, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a certain fondness for those rejects from the green grocer’s table that look a little… different. Just because an edible piece of earth-grown goodness appears a bit bizarre, doesn’t mean it’s crammed full of chemicals or that it’s genetically modified to the max. In fact, you might think some of these succulent veggies look mouth-wateringly delicious. Vegetables grow into such cheeky forms due to a variety of environmental factors such as unfavorable growing conditions or inadequate pollination. But (speaking of inadequacy) is this an excuse for some of the lewder shapes these errant veggies take? You decide. Just remember: what we see says more about the purity of our minds than the failing of some fruity-looking fruit.

9. You say potato, we say good golly…

2977320610103582665S600x600Q85

Image via Heavy Petal

Almost too explicit to be included; this potato’s resemblance to the male member is made the more stark by the way it’s being gripped. You know what we could do with one of these? Whip up some mashed potatoes! If the definition of an oddly shaped veggie is one that’s not in line with its normal body plan, this bad boy sure fits the bill.

8. Nice to meet you, Ben Dover…

2125180

Image via Heavy Petal

A switch of gender now with another bawdy view we might not expect from a potato. Two buttocks are placed on a plinth and we’d sooner not go into any more detail. As for a pseudo-scientific explanation, it looks like a case of Siamese twins – that’s two fruit growing together, which is actually not all that uncommon.

Now we’re as big fans of pomme de terres as the next culinarily inclined folks – a mid-sized, oven baked jacket potato (with its skin on, of course) provides almost half our recommended Daily Value of vitamin C plus a fair percentage of the potassium and vitamin B6 we need – but nutrients need some table manners too.

7. Parsnip caught with its pants down

327722296_ee38b0dd33_z

Image: fireflies604

Not according to this parsnip, which isn’t so much phallic as packing its very own projecting phallus. It’s like the bottom half of a miniature mannequin that was a little too well made, with a naughty bit it should put away. Either that or nature’s designer lost count and started on a third leg it couldn’t finish. Obscenely inspired.

6. Well hung carrot

2805329281_fce2189557_z

Image: Gary Koelling

This next lascivious reject from Nature’s line of veggie dummies is a carrot letting it all hang out… But speaking seriously for a second about the causes of such abnormalities: when a root vegetable is growing and its tip receives damage, it’s liable to split, forming various roots joined at one point. Cue peels of laughter.

Of course, when they’re not getting all frisky and upsetting the in-laws, root veggies like these make for great grub. For a simple, tasty dish, try this: parboil some parsnips and carrots for 8-10 minutes; let them cool; toss them in olive oil, garlic, rosemary and seasoning; then roast for 35 minutes, or until golden brown. Delish!

5. Cheeky butt-tomato

 

 

I

mage: Sauri

What’s plump, juicy, has two squeezable cheeks and would look irresistible, however you dressed it? Hint: the answer has nothing to do with J-Lo and everything to do with this prime bit of beef – beef tomato, that is. With this evidence, it’s easy to see why tomatoes were once known as love apples.

4. Enough to make the other fruit blush

9336813_127b1785cc_z

Image: pauly…

OK, phallic cucumbers we get. Squashes too. Even carrots we can understand. But tomatoes? These plump greenhouse products should be flying the flag for all things curvaceous, not flaunting bits that jut out at an embarrassing angle like a half-raised marquee. Maybe it was stored too close to the peaches.

For a mouth-watering yet devilishly simple salad to clean your palate after a meal, lay a few fresh slices of a deliciously, garden, fresh tomato on a serving plate, sprinkle with a pinch of fleur de sel, drizzle it with some balsamic glaze and extra-virgin olive oil.  Can you say, yum?!

3. Strawberry doo-dah

3248827316_7e6c29be9d

Image: Tony Robinson via r3tr0fr34k

Dear oh dear, what do we have next on the menu? A strawberry that really shouldn’t have been allowed to grow into this shape. As we’re learning, it’s really not unusual for fruit and veggies to take on the amusing appearance of our own more private body parts. Enough to make Grandma cover her eyes.

Still, before we crack up, back to the scientific explanation bit: damage to one part of a given veggie can cause the growth to slow in that area while the rest continues to develop as normal, and even more mutation will occur if this happens while the plant is still in its embryonic stage.

2. Peppery porn113988987_6d0e969d54_z

Image: Nex Ninek

No mutations in this next snapshot of vegetable naughtiness – just shamelessly choreographed eroticism of the bawdiest kind. Or smut, we prefer to call it. For shame. Soft vegetable porn if we ever saw it.

These peppers may have been exempt from such legislation, but did you know there was a recent attempt to reinstate an EU-wide ban on misshapen fruit and veggies, which was blocked over concerns that it would increase food wastage? “The shape of a fruit is irrelevant to its taste and nutrition,” said one British Euro MP in response to the proposed “uniform standardization parameters” which would have forbidden everything from curly cucumbers to fused fruit like those we’ve seen. “Bravo!” came the chorus from these coarsest of veggies.

1. Hot chilli pepper peckers

16713_48xUyLUZZE6c.im

Image via Heavy PetalWere these wayward peppers grown using moulds that helped shape them into these lewd forms – complete with wrinkles and folds? Apparently not – although the semblance between them and a certain part of the male anatomy seems too conspicuous for simple serendipity. Whatever next?

What can we say to conclude this XXX-rated garden show? Well for one we can wish all the contestants luck for the future. Not that they’ll need it. They’re living proof that ruder forms survive.

.

 

.

Federal Reserve Notable Designs

.

2378399340_f957b21fa1_o

“Federal Vampire & Zombie Agency” Comic Trailer

.

.

Perfect husband !!!!  British gents are so much smarter in generating a good joke…

.

.

In contradistinction to the American and British mindsets to generate a good laugh, here’s the Dutch take on a funny mind fuck.  Insight in Dutch language, syntax and double entendres required in order to really share this most embarrassing aspect of Dutch national culture.  For all others, be glad that you don’t get it!

Inburgeringscurse – Deel 3: Dutch Customs
.

.

Delaware Masturbators March Against O’Donnell

Largest Pro-wanking Demonstration in History

WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Carrying signs reading, “O’Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturbation,” the angry masturbators clogged downtown Wilmington, stopping traffic for blocks.

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators “because they’re used to acting alone.”

Don’t Judge too Quickly 8 in 1

.

.

.

Clarke and Dawe on the US Oil Spill

.

.

Clint Webb for Senate

.

.

Clint Webb. A brutally honest politician.

.

Blow to a player’s point of tonal perception–with a very common delayed reaction–duuuhh…

.

 

.
.
.
Great Quote.

Share

Yesterday at 5:57pm
“The danger to America is not Barack Obama but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of an Obama presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America . Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Barack Obama, who is, after all, merely a fool. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools such as those who made him their president.”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

Merkans’ Freedom to Customize their own Individual Religious Brands

as much as their Personalized Sexual Preferences

Alleluia, or more appropriately, Hell El Ouji Aah Merka, Holy Moly

Land of the Frea(XXX)!!!

.

The New Mr. America: Bankrupt, Diseased and Running Out of Options (comic)

7/24/2009 – (NaturalNews) With a military rifle in one hand and a bottle of prescription medications in the other, the new “Mr. America” is over-fed, under-nourished, over-medicated, over-spent and “over there”

.

.

George Bush is a genius

.

Empire Oil for all Merkans

.

.

OIL ‘N Stuff(ing)

.

.

Rush Nicholson III’s Photos – Spotted at a BP station

.

BP Fails Booming School 101

(adult ‘black humor’–parental guidance advised)

.

.

May 18, 2010 — Please mirror this if you can. Thank you!  I don’t know who it is that produced this video although I wish I knew so as to thank them.For some very odd reason they won’t let me add “Gulf of Mexico oil spill” to the tags. Heads should roll on this one.
Original vid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx8kMX…
Mirrored by:
http://www.youtube.com/user/skybirdbird

.

BP – Bringing People together

.

Added Solvent for Thought Dissolution

It has a very s(n)ooth(z)ing scent…

Fallacy-B-Gone Critical Thinking Spray – Effective on Politicians, Bankers and the like… 

 

___________________________________________________

Today’s  Inspirational Lesson


Never irritate a woman,who can operate a backhoe…

 

Thus endeth the lesson.

Women claim to be Angels…And when someone breaks their wings…They simply continue to fly….on a broomstick…They are flexible like that…

 

___________________________________________


As S**T continues to hit the fan have another laugh:


 

WHO IS JACK  SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.   Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.  The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her  parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,  Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy  with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt’, you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

A Relative of Jack Schitt Introducing the Latest Edition of a Popular, Nonetheless, Stale Game

.

.

Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

  1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print your “Bullshit Bingo”.
  2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
  3. When you get five squares horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT!” (or shout out “PELOSI” — it means the same thing)

Testimonials from past satisfied “Bullshit Bingo” players:

“I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won.”  ~Jack W., Boston

“My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically.” ~David D., Florida

“What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win.” ~Bill R., New York City

“The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.” ~Ben G., Denver

“The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed “BULLSHIT!” for the third time in two hours.”

.

Now for some enlightening entertainment

.

.

MORE MIND F**KS FOR FELLOW MERKANS

.


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this as well:


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is
‘UP.’

.

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. 

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you areUP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP . When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so . . . it is time to shut UP .Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

 

.

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in  England  or French fries in  France  . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from  Guinea  nor is it a pig.

.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

.

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

.

English was invented by people not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.

.

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

.

You think English is easy???
.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Advertisements